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After David’s son had perished in his
mutinous bid to wrest the throne from his father, David remained
outside Jerusalem while intense discussions flew to and fro. “David
has his flaws,” many argued, “serious ones even. But think of all he
did to rescue us from the hand of the Philistines. What are we
hanging around for? Let’s invite him back onto his throne!”
The process was far from
straightforward, but David was finally restored to his throne in
Jerusalem. On both occasions when David found himself on the run in
the wilderness, he was strengthened by the presence of faithful
friends.
From a carer’s point of view, it is
important to be aware of what support the grieving have, and to
tailor our response accordingly. Are they, for example, from a
tightly knit family who find it difficult to receive outside help?
Or are its members so geographically spread out that they are, to
all intents and purposes, simply not there for each other?
By and large, many employers still
expect the bereaved to take a few days compassionate leave and then
return to their place of work. Some people find the stimulation of
company the best way to avoid too much self-absorption, whereas
others are far from ready to re-emerge into a world whose
parameters, so far as they are concerned, have changed forever.
Pressuring themselves to return too
soon would be like trying to do fifty press-ups a day after a heart
transplant. If they push themselves to do more than they are ready
for, they compromise the healing process.
We have much to learn here from other
cultures and religions. The classic Jewish model for expressing
grief during times of bereavement, for example, encourages mourners
to take more time than most westerners normally permit themselves
for embarking on the road to recovery.
According to the Shiva,10 three days
are set to be aside for expressing intense grief, followed by four
days for condolence calls. The visitor’s aim is less to talk than to
listen, and to attend to practical matters around the house. There
then come thirty days of adjustment (Shaloshim) during which
mourners gradually begin to pick up the threads of their lives
again. Finally comes the Jahrzeit (the one year anniversary), which
is often commemorated in the synagogue.
After this the mourner is expected to
be incorporated back into the community, although yearly memorial
prayers may continue indefinitely. This pattern makes it more likely
that a mourner will reintegrate successfully than in our secular and
highly fragmented society. A counsellor for Victim Support warns
that,
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The grieving process
takes at least two years. The first year is all about the
person saying, “This time last year we were . . .” whilst
the second year marks the start of their recovery. There are
likely to be peaks and troughs well beyond that; days when
they imagine themselves to be completely “over it,” and
others that leave them feeling all but completely
overwhelmed |
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Our all-giving Lord does not
want anyone to be endlessly trapped within the narrow
confines of their loss, or to linger too long in one stage
of the recovery process. All bereaved people need special
grace around Christmas, anniversaries and birthdays. These
are times when people are inclined to tiptoe around,
reluctant even to mention the person’s name, in case it
makes them upset. In reality, including them in the
conversation usually helps them to mitigate the sense of
feeling excluded.
Some find it helpful to draw a
timeline chart, noting the dates of major incidents and displaying
the highs and lows of their path through grief. Linking patterns of
feelings and behaviour to specific events in this way helps them to
be aware of the dates and times when they are likely to be
particularly vulnerable. This is a sideways testimony to the power
of the subconscious, that even when people are not consciously aware
of these occasions themselves, their subconscious is.
In A Severe Mercy, Van
experienced enormous pain every time he remembered shared objects or
seasonal activity following the death of his young wife. He came to
realise that when he found himself suddenly overwhelmed by tears
(wet or dry), it was often a sign that he needed to process some
past loss. Brutally ambushed the first time this occurred, the sting
gradually lessened – but it is as well to be prepared.
Common sense indicates that
anniversaries are not the best time for those whose grief is still
raw to take on everyone else’s griefs and burdens. However much
other people may be in the habit of looking to them for emotional
support, there is no shame in holding back somewhat.
Neither are these the times to blank
out all feelings and memories, whether happy ones, or the inevitable
thoughts of “what might have been.” These too need expressing, for
they may be quite different from the recriminatory “but what ifs”
that do need guarding against. The time will come when they are
ready to move beyond them, and to make the conscious decision to
love again. At that point, they may well find themselves willing and
wanting to “maximize” their loss by contributing to the care and
well being of others.11 As Abraham Lincoln declared,
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Die when I may, I want it
said of me that I plucked a weed and planted a flower
wherever I thought a flower would grow. |
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