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For the first few weeks after
Ros was convulsed by spasms, I found, as so many people do
in times of crisis, that the Lord sent special strength.
Friends leapt to action-stations in prayer, adrenaline
flowed and the Lord’s presence hovered like an overshadowing
cloud, while I put this enclosed time to good use by
completing the next draft of this book.
There is evidence in
Scripture to suggest that the Lord quite enjoys a “rough and
tumble,” but I wasn’t tempted to try and make any “bargains”
with Him.29 Over the course of my life, with a few notable
exceptions, I have preferred to focus on the fact that He is
much better placed than I am to make the key choices for my
life.
Beyond a certain increased
proneness to irritability, (every diabetic’s perfect
excuse!) anger wasn’t particularly an issue either – which
only goes to show that by no means all of us automatically
experience all five of the classic grief stages.
Ros and I often see things
differently. Most of the time we compliment each other well,
but on this occasion I thought she might be straying into
denial. In reality, she was just trying to make the time in
France as sheltered and “cocooned” as possible under the
circumstances. In other words, this was less denial than
common sense, combined with a hint of “divine anaesthetic”
to tide her over.
The one thing I was not short
of, as a result of being well advanced with drafting this
book was an understanding of the grief symptoms I could
expect to experience! Was I experiencing sharp pangs of
grief as the initial numbness wore off? Yes, an abundance of
the darned things.
We knew we had been
overworking – but how could we have done otherwise with Ros
preparing her lectures for the first time as well as having
to complete her Master’s degree? Neither of us were inclined
to indulge in prolonged “if only” regrets, and I think this
protected us from many of the feelings of shame, guilt and
depression which so often accompany the grief process.
Shakespeare termed sleep the
“sole comforter of minds with grief oppressed,” and loss of
it is common in almost all grief episodes. No wonder sleep
deprivation ranks as such an effective method of
brainwashing and torture. Most of us can cope with almost
anything, providing that we get enough rest! We were
certainly “nocturnally challenged,” both because of the
increased frequency of the attacks, and the implications
that they raised.
Engulfed by a sensation that
I am sure many of you will be entirely familiar with, I felt
alarmingly powerless. These feelings of helplessness became
a cause of further grief themselves, leaving me prone to
bouts of anxiety. My phone bill shot up as friends received
phone calls at surprisingly early hours of the morning. (We
were on holiday in rural France, you will recall, far from
our usual support structure).
The fact that we have helped
many others through times of anxiety undoubtedly went some
way towards helping us to cope. We knew that it is usually
best to skip the tricky questions in the initial stages of
grief. After all, the Hebrew word for “why” doubles as the
symbol for “chaos!”
For the time being, we could
no more answer the inevitable questions going round our
heads than we could appreciate a painting by standing with
our noses pressed against it. We knew that it would only be
when we were able to stand back that we would gain a better
perspective.
Standing back is difficult,
however, when every part of you is longing to find a
solution. I sensed that if I could cooperate with this
surging and unpredictable current I would have more chance
of emerging intact from the experience. Being anything but
level-headed when it comes to the health of my wife,
however, my grasp on that particular perspective wavered
from hour to hour, let alone from day to day.
Life proved complicated when
we returned home. Like so many couples, our lifestyle
affords little slack for emergencies, and shouldering all
the transportation posed predictable problems for a
two-driver family. Simon and Maria Redman took Dominic to
school for us, and lovingly “soaked” Ros in the Lord’s
presence. A group of leaders came to our house to pray (at
extreme decibel pitch) for the problem to shift.
All of these were vital
stages along the way, yet every time people prayed seriously
for Ros, the spasms invariably seemed to worsen afterwards.
That itself, of course, was a clue. A condition that reacts
so intensely against prayer is more than likely to be
carrying the stench of sulphur.
A few weeks before Ros’s
first spasm I had gone for a walk with Rob Grinsell, a
friend in the ministry. Suddenly, Rob threw his cap on the
ground: “The gauntlet has been thrown down, and a challenge
has gone out!” he declared theatrically. “Satan is
challenging and God has accepted it.” He was alluding, of
course, to the passage in Job 2:3 in which the Lord
challenges Satan concerning one of His own servants. There
is a New Testament parallel to this when Satan asks
permission to “sift” Peter. In that instance, as surely for
our own, Jesus promised that His own prayers would bring
Peter though this testing period.30
The Scriptures are clear:
Resist the devil and he will flee from you.31 By the time
Ros had suffered well over one hundred of these dreadful
attacks, we were desperate. Rather as military advances
traditionally begin by laying down a heavy artillery
barrage, I organised a major prayer push, mustering as many
praying friends as we could to pray at a specifically
arranged time, either with us or at a distance.
It was this day of prayer
that proved to be the turning point. Even then there was a
crocodile lash of the tail. As we drew to the end of an
incredibly special time of prayer, Ros had one of her most
violent ever attacks – and another one a few hours that
night. Had our prayers not prevailed?
The following morning, as
Ralph and Sarah Deakin laid hands on Ros and “soaked” her in
prayer, the Lord showed Ralph a vision of an angel plying a
microscopic needle and thread, gently “suturing” her nerve
endings together. To our immense relief, the attacks receded
in strength immediately and, within three or four days
ceased altogether.
I discovered long ago that
the same word is used in both Greek and Hebrew for to tempt,
to test and to try. In other words, while the devil is
tempting, God is also testing, and our soul is being tried!
By God’s mercy, this proved to be a test and an attack
rather than a final chapter.
Rob Grinsell had also pointed
out to me that “tunnels” are often God’s fastest way of
taking us through particular obstacles in order to reach an
entirely different landscape beyond. As it turned out, the
Lord had an entirely new appointment for me the moment this
particular trauma had passed. In all probability, however,
your situation may be an ongoing one, which is why we are
going to turn our attention now to more serious forms of
grief.
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