We’ve all done it – breezed up casually to people before or after church and asked them, how they are – and then wondered why they reacted as they did. We’ve all been on the receiving end of such well-meaning questions, too, when we are in too much grief to know how to respond.

‘How are you?’ I suspect the phrase has been enough to drive some people to distraction. It may even have made them want to stay away from church altogether! The way we ask this question, and the leeway we give them not to answer the question directly, calls for etiquette, wisdom and discernment.

Someone who habitually puts on a, ‘I’m fine thank you’ sort of face effectively cuts the conversation dead. By contrast, regular ‘gushers’ need only the slightest of invitations to pour out a jet stream over you. Casual enquirers beware!

People assume it is a good thing when we share so freely. ‘Better out than in,’ they say. The person who hears us spouting, however, may find there is too much to spray around for comfort, and be rather less than keen to ask such leading questions next time round.

Part of the assessment we have to do, in the split second between the question being asked and needing to make a reply, is to determine whether the person concerned has the capacity to bear the load we are about to dump on them. We cannot afford to drive a ten-ton truck over a one-ton bridge!

If it does not sound too trite, perhaps we should pray something along these lines: ‘Lord, help me not to gush inappropriately, lest so many boulders get caught up in the flow that it overwhelms the person I am sharing with!’

It pays to choose whom we pour our hearts out to. Human nature being what it is, sharing our weaknesses with certain types of people inclines them to feel superior to us. They begin to define us by too narrow a set of criteria – namely, the problem that we have shared. This effectively preclude any real chance of the relationship developing.

There may well be a place for advice and counselling – but when a person resorts too promptly to a ‘counselling’ tone of voice, it may make people less willing to open up.

Difficult times are discovering times. Like many others who have been perceived over the years as having a strong ‘platform’ ministry, there have been times when people have drawn alongside us in order to derive a sense of position for themselves. The unreality inherent in this quickly becomes apparent when we are going through rough times ourselves: such people are far less eager to be around.

Once you put someone on a pedestal, there is only one way to go: down and out! Someone who means a lot to us said years ago, ‘I’m going to take you off the pedestal I am in danger of putting you on so that we can be friends.’ I was so grateful for that attitude. This is when we find out who the people are who will really stick with us through thick and thin.

It is not wrong to be guarded, therefore, when we answer the dreaded question. Discretion is not dissimulation. We can be sure that Jesus would have shared certain issues with Peter, James and John that he would not have mentioned to the seventy two disciples, let alone to people He met and ministered to in the street.

We are perfectly within our rights to say that ‘there are problems’ without feeling coerced into explaining all that is going on. Jesus did not share the deepest burdens on His heart with all and sundry. ‘He knew what was in a man and therefore He did not trust Himself to them.’ (John 2:24-25)

Sharing that releases others
At another level, we have frequently found that sharing difficulties that we are going through helps others to speak of their own difficulties. We took the calculated decision to share to a wide audience as much as we decently could about the pressures Ros came under in the workplace a few years ago. The number of people who got in contact to share dreadful experiences they too had had of severe intimidation in the work place – and the appalling toll it had taken on their mind and body – amazed us. We would almost certainly have remained in the dark about these people’s sufferings unless we had ‘made ourselves vulnerable’ and opened up in the way that they did.

When I know that people are going through difficult times, I often delve a bit deeper. Doctors have their own way of doing this. Some patients waffle on seemingly endlessly about minor ailments; the only way to get to the heart of the matter is to appear to draw the session to a close. That is when the person says, ‘Oh, by the way . . .’ and proceeds to share the matter that is really troubling them.

Who do you trust?
As surely as drawing out a person’s difficulties in such ways may be ‘prophetic wisdom in action,’ there is also an intrusive insistence that lures people further out than they are ready to go. Two years after Ros’s painful experiences, she was well aware that the bulk of her grief was still locked up, as it were in a vault.

When some friends came round to dinner, I made the mistake of trying too hard to open her up, thinking they could help. It was entirely the wrong time, and it hurt her. A few days later, when some other friends came round, and we were praying, the Lord Jesus met with Ros in a truly beautiful way. As His presence increased, He drew the sting of the grief out as it were in one oiled sweep. What my insensitive probing had failed to do, the presence of God did abundantly.

We do not need to apologise for not opening up fully, therefore, no matter how hard people push: ‘No, how are you really?’ It is a fine line between the utterly authentic and the decidedly less sincere. With practice we learn to tell the difference between self-appointed counsellors ‘trawling for business’, gossips out for some tasty titbits – and those who love and care for us enough to ask the very same question from a heart full of concern for our well being.

We also have to consider their ability, discretion and trustworthiness – though to some extent, we may only discover this fully by trial and error. More than anything else, it comes down to the condition of their heart. Suppose you choose to make yourself vulnerable and reply, ‘Actually, I'm having real difficulty trusting the Lord about . . .’ The person looks down on you from their supposedly more spiritual standpoint and unthinkingly responds, ‘all you need to do is to trust the Lord – brother.’ The effect is to make you feel as though they have rapped you on the shins!

You go to another person and share precisely the same thing. They pause for a moment, and then reply to the same effect, ‘Hmm – just trust the Lord, Robert.’ This time, instead of being made to feel small (which is liable to make you cross) you feel reassured. Your trust levels begin to rise again.

What is the difference between these outwardly identical responses? The compassionate heart of the enquirer! Person number is one is basically spouting platitudes of doctrine; whereas you sense the second person is listening to the Lord as well as to you. In that brief moment between you sharing and their responding, you sense there has been heavenly interaction. The person will not be aware of all the details, may not even need to, but you sense that the Lord is reassuring them in order that they can reassure you. The Lord is in charge of this situation, and will work it out. Such reassurance is beyond price.

May the Lord make us trustworthy listeners – and know when to reach out and when just to silently embrace.

God bless your conversations in the church foyer or on the phone, when people ask you how you are – and when the roles are reversed!



Ruach Breath of Life Ministries.
The Manse, Station Road, Halwill Junction, Devon EX21 5XB.
www.ruachministries.org

This material is copyright Robert Weston 2007.
It may be freely copied or forwarded for the benefit of individuals or house groups, provided the source is attributed.