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‘How are you?’ I suspect the phrase has been enough to drive
some people to distraction. It may even have made them want
to stay away from church altogether! The way we ask this
question, and the leeway we give them not to answer the
question directly, calls for etiquette, wisdom and
discernment.
Someone who habitually puts on a, ‘I’m fine thank you’ sort
of face effectively cuts the conversation dead. By contrast,
regular ‘gushers’ need only the slightest of invitations to
pour out a jet stream of their uncertainties, troubles and
complaints. On the one hand, along the lines of ‘Better out
than in,’ this may be a helpful release.
But the person who hears us spouting may find there is too
much to spray around, and be rather less than willing to ask
such leading questions next time round!
In the split second between someone asking us the question
and our needing to make a reply, we have to make numerous
assessments. Has the person concerned the capacity to bear
the load we are about to dump on them? It would be unwise to
dump a ten-ton load on a bridge designed to withstand far
less!
Perhaps we can pray something along these lines: ‘Lord, help
me not to gush inappropriately, lest I overwhelm the person
I am sharing with!’
We must be careful whom we share our deepest heart with.
Human nature being what it is, sharing our weaknesses with
certain types of people may incline them to feel superior to
us. They begin to define us as “having the problem that we
have shared with them”. This is likely to preclude any real
chance of the relationship developing.
Our problems may well benefit from advice and counselling –
but when a person starts to enjoy being strong because we
are weak and vulnerable, or puts on a holier than thou or a
‘counselling’ tone of voice, true authenticity is in danger
of being lost.
Difficult times are discovering times. Like many others who
have been perceived over the years as having a strong
‘platform’ ministry, there have been times when people have
drawn alongside us in order to derive a sense of position
for themselves. But if we are going through rough times
ourselves, such people are far less eager to be around. Just
as the Lord reserves the recounting for the things that
distress Him with those who draw closes to Him, so it is
wise to make oneself vulnerable only with those who have the
maturity to cope with it.
Once you put someone on a pedestal, there is only one way to
go: down! Someone who means a lot to me said years ago, ‘I’m
going to take you off the pedestal I am in danger of putting
you on so that we can be friends!’ I am so grateful for that
attitude. This is the difference between mere acquaintances
and true friends – those who will stick with us through
thick and thin.
It is not wrong to be somewhat cautious, therefore, how we
answer this seemingly simple question. To be discreet is not
at all the same thing as being a hypocrite! We can be sure
that Jesus would have shared certain issues with Peter,
James and John that He would not have mentioned to the
seventy two disciples, let alone to people He met and
ministered to in the street.
We are perfectly within our rights to say that ‘there are
problems’ without feeling any need or pressure to reveal
what those problems are to all and sundry. Jesus “knew what
was in a man and therefore He did not trust Himself to
them.” (John 2:24-25)
Sharing that releases others
At another level, however, we have often found that sharing
the difficulties that we are going through helps others to
speak of their own difficulties. We took the calculated
decision to share to a wide audience as much as we decently
could about the pressures Ros came under in the workplace a
few years ago. The number of people who got in contact to
share dreadful experiences they too had had of severe
intimidation in the work place – and the appalling toll it
had taken on their mind and body – amazed us. We would
almost certainly have remained in the dark concerning these
people’s sufferings unless we had ‘made ourselves
vulnerable’ and opened up in the way that they did.
When I know that people are going through difficult times, I
often delve a bit deeper. Doctors have their own way of
doing this. When a patient is waffling on seemingly
endlessly about minor ailments, the only way to get to the
heart of the matter may be to appear to draw the session to
a close. That is when the person says, ‘Oh, by the way . .
.’ and proceeds to share the matter that is really troubling
them!
Another good thing about sharing your
problems openly is that it draws people into your
pilgrimage. So often we give testimonies when a situation is
nearly wrapped up and concluded. “I had a problem . . ..
but God sorted it out.” By contrast, working through it with
others means you are working together in the midst of the
situation – and this can often be a good starting point for
going deeper people with that person.
As surely as sharing our difficulties in such ways may be
‘prophetic wisdom in action,’ there is also an intrusive
insistence that lures people further out than they are ready
to go. Two years after Ros’s painful experiences, she was
well aware that the bulk of her grief was still locked up,
as it were in a vault.
When some friends came round to dinner, I made the mistake
of trying too hard to flush them into the open, thinking
this would be an ideal couple to pray with. It turned out to
be entirely the wrong time, and it hurt her. A few days
later, when some other friends came round, and we were
praying, the Lord Jesus met with Ros in a beautiful way. As
His presence increased, He drew the sting of the grief out
as it were in one oiled sweep. What my insensitive probing
had failed to do, the presence of God did easily.
We do not need to apologise for not opening up fully,
therefore, no matter how hard people push: ‘No, how are you
really?’ With practice we learn to tell the difference
between self-appointed counsellors ‘trawling for business’,
gossips who are out for some tasty titbits and those who
love and care for us enough to ask the very same question
from a heart full of concern for our well being.
We also have to consider their ability, discretion and
trustworthiness – though to some extent, we may only really
discover this by trial and error. More than anything else,
it comes down to the condition of their heart. Suppose you
choose to make yourself vulnerable and reply, ‘Actually, I'm
having real difficulty trusting the Lord about . . .’ The
person looks down on you from their supposedly more
spiritual standpoint and unthinkingly responds, ‘all you
need to do is to trust the Lord – brother.’ The effect is to
make you feel as though they have rapped you on the shins!
You go to another person and share precisely the same thing.
They pause for a moment, and then reply to the same effect,
‘Hmm – just trust the Lord, Robert.’ This time, instead of
being made to feel small (which is liable to make you cross)
you feel reassured. Your trust levels begin to rise again.
What is the difference between these outwardly identical
responses? The compassionate heart of the enquirer – and the
sense that this person has one ear on the Lord as well as
one ear on you. Without knowing all the ins and outs of our
situation, we sense that they have taken the matter to the
Lord, and gained His reassurance that they can reassure
you! The Lord is in charge of this situation, and will work
it out. Such reassurance kindles our faith and trust. It is
priceless.
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